If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
