No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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