You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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