yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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