Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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