I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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