We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
