Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
