so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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