Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Couch. On fire.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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