Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
