I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
