why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I forget how to act sober
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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