ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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