I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
