Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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