I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
