We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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