You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Fuck me I smell like cheese
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
