If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
