Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
