I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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