So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
