They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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