You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
