when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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