someone threw a dead crab at me
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i dont even know how to be here
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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