in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
