Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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