My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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