Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
