What did we do last night that was yellow?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
