Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
