I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
