A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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