I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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