if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
