Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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