You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
