My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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