i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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