I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
love makes seman taste better
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
