ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
