she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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