His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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