waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You may now shotgun with the bride
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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