i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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