I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
