Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
