Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
