Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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